Posted on March 5, 2019.
From the moment I wake up, I see darkness. Only one objective that day. I think of all the ways I can take my life. I put my clothes on and skip the morning shower to see my family’s faces for the last time. At that moment I had tunnel vision. My thoughts were crystal clear, and I kept seeing an image of me hanging myself and happiness flowing out of my body. I felt as if it wasn’t me anymore. Like someone jumped into my body and was now playing with my thoughts.
I was on day four without eating food. I got into the car to head to say bye to my dad. The drive over felt like an eternity, as I was driving, I felt like I was not on earth. Everything was a blur. The feeling was like I was drunk. I looked at everybody in the eyes driving by me, hoping they would see my sad face.
I got to work, said hey to everyone, then went into my dad’s office. I told him I was going to the coast. Going to the beach was one thing I enjoyed to do. I told him bye… he didn’t know how reliable that bye was. So I took off to the coast.
I was talking to something or someone in my head. We had this strong relationship. He kept telling me that he’s proud of my work on earth. I’ll show my friends and family what pain they brought me. The drive home I was crying and screaming out loud. It felt like my brain got captured and is now under control by something. My body was numb. I can see the rope around my neck. Happiness and joy came out of my body after I died.
I got home and had my game face on, Sat down on the table and tried so hard to fight it. For one second I felt like I shouldn’t do this, but I was already a puppet to someone. I went and grabbed everything and set it all up in my room. I just stared at it all for 20 min, thinking about my life up to that point, cursing at my friends and family. There was one friend that I didn’t hate at all. I only thought of the nice things he did for me.
As I walked up to the rope to tie the knot, this loud voice in my room said his name. My tunnel vision snapped, and I grabbed my phone and called him. I told him everything and what I am about to do. He did something nobody has ever done for me, and He prayed for me. Then wanted to get baptized and take a total u-turn in my life. I for once in my life felt delighted and saw a bright future.
My friend was praying for me to change my life during that week. What, God answered his prayer. God told me to call him. That night I got saved and got baptized that following Sunday. All the anxiety and depression went away. I now serve a wonderful, unfailing, comforting, loving, best friend, and Father. I’ve seen Him work through me day by day. Words can’t explain what I feel now. I have a purpose in life now. Now I have tunnel vision to serve my God. I will forever and ever be faithful Jesus.
I wouldn’t be where I am now without Jesus meeting me in my darkest place. Currently, I serve as a missionary at YWAM Denver. After my Discipleship Training School in Fall 2017, I am in with this place. The staff are so loving and caring for you, no matter your background. YWAM Denver equipped me to be able to hear God’s voice and share Jesus’ love to people on the streets. I found my worth in Jesus here, and I am forever grateful for this new journey in life He gave. All to say, don’t tie that knot friend!
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